"I must do this!"

This is how I felt when I read Elizabeth Gilbert's, Eat, Pray, Love. Since then I have been following in her footsteps without leaving my city.

I read a Facebook post encouraging me to check out the website Wild Soul Movement and creator Elizabeth Dialto's video symposium. I was similarly jolted. In time I watched every video and was transformed, not just from her videos, but also from following my inclination to other video producers, authors, bloggers...anything that caught my interest.

 I began making a list so that I could read it every time I forgot who I am.

As I tried things on and removed what wasn't me, I discovered a fierce self-love.

From this came the development of self-care habits.

Next I became aware that my intuition was awakening and I began freeing it from all other voices clambering for attention.

Living so much in "New Age" thought contrasted with my Judeo-Christian upbringing and challenged my theology...or, more correctly, continued the challenge that the intense suffering of living with, then divorcing a mentally ill spouse, followed  by my own struggle with anxiety and panic attacks, had started. I lived for a while trying to be an atheist. The problem I had though, was my soul still believed what my mind was trying to deny. Along came Rob Bell and Richard Rohr...and a whole communion of saints who manage to live in a delicious east-west mysticism that made my heart dance!

Speaking of Dance, next came  Qoya. Rochelle says, there is no way you can do this wrong and you'll  know when it's right because it feels good. Her voice is so incredibly soothing.

When I discovered Instagram, I learned there was a need that only sweet kitty pictures can meet. My day is not complete without sighing over Nalacat and white coffee cat.

I'd been attempting to meditate for ages, but found it very confusing, until I read nearly everything written by Martha Beck. Suddenly it began to make sense , although it's still difficult to describe.

I'm so thankful to all my teachers!

Even though it was horrible, it's what I knew. It is hard to leave the familiar for the unknown.

I am...was...extremely afraid of the future. At least in the present circumstances I could imagine what the future would look like. It was bleak and undesirable, but it seemed better than the great unknown.

Beyond here be dragons!

As often happens, things fell apart any way, no matter how hard I was clinging to them. No matter how hard I fought for them.

I found myself staring into the future with no imagination. What I did have was open wounds and scars. Lots and lots of both.

It felt like drowning....untethered.

It's the first time I remember losing my faith...in everything. I manifested symptoms of PTSD and had my first panic attack. I imagined suicide. I did not desire death, but I finally understood why some choose that route.

I have endured physical pain, as well as emotional, but to feel like ones mind is unhinged, like the body and mind have forgotten what they can do and should do...

For example, imagine driving along one of the busiest streets and suddenly forgetting how to drive!

...this kind of thing is beyond frightening!

Beyond here there most definitely be dragons!

What's still amazing to me, is that in those moments, my mind and body would find the very thing needed to correct the problem...

First, I would gasp for air. The flood of oxygen would awaken sound reasoning. If I don't know how to drive, then pull over. Breathe some more. Turn off every sound possible. Close your eyes. Breathe...in...Breathe...out...

...inhale, exhale is the answer to so many momentary problems. "Just Breathe" is sometimes the most powerful thing you can do.

What I came to discover, while "just breathing" was that there were just as many dragons in my supposed safe harbor, as there were outside. I had lived inside for a long time and without warning, found myself  thrust out.

Forced to explore the unknown, I found that I had wind for my sails, a vivid, passionate imagination, and more than enough courage to face dragons.

I have been sailing from safe harbor happily ever after.